Pucking Strong: An MM Workplace Hockey Romance (Jacksonville Rays Book 4)

Teddy lets out a shaky breath, eyes on the half-eaten plate of branzino. “What would that even look like?”

“Me trying?”

He nods.

I consider for a moment. “The article I read talked about secondary sexual attractants too, things like personality and life experience, talents. Teddy, your personality has always attracted me. From the beginning, I’ve felt drawn to you as a person, your light, your energy. The more I’ve come to know you, the more I want to be where you are. I know there’s nothing inherently sexual in that admission, but it’s still an admission.”

He reaches for his water glass, seemingly desperate to do something with his hands. “Fair enough. But I don’t think I can be content just sharing space with you. I know we’re doing that now,” he adds. “But I don’t know if you noticed that I’m not handling it all that well.”

“I’ve noticed. I still make you uncomfortable.”

“No, you make me turned on. There’s a difference.” Setting his water glass aside, he tosses his napkin on the table too, holding my gaze. “Hen, this has never once been about me feeling uncomfortable around you. You keep using that word. That’s not it at all. Or if it is a feeling of discomfort, it’s rooted in me being completely, irrationally, and irrevocably in love with you.”

I blink. “What?”

He frowns. “Oh, did you not want me to go there? We’re having the honest conversation now, right? So let’s fucking have it.”

Bracing myself, I nod. “Fine, proceed.”

“From the moment we met out on that sidewalk six years ago, you crashed into my life, and into my heart, and literally swept me off my fucking feet. I looked up at you and felt like I’d just found the one. It’s crazy, I admit that. But that’s who I am.”

He presses a hand to his chest and goes on, “Henrik, I can only be who I am. I can only feel what I feel. And what I feel for you is so far and away above what you feel for me. The imbalance here is fucking staggering. And now you’re offering me crumbs while I’m over here literally starving. Don’t get me wrong, I’m gonna take them. I will take every crumb you offer because I can’t walk away from you. I certainly can’t walk away from Karro. She’s sunk her hooks in me all the way to my beating heart. I love that little girl. So now I’m twice as twisted up, wriggling like a fish on both your lines.”

My mind races as I listen to his confession. His mother is right—he doesn’t want things from me. He doesn’t want my clothes or the comfort of my apartment. He doesn’t want money or acclaim. He’s not chasing me for status. He just wants me. It’s a heady feeling. I’m not sure that I’ve ever felt wanted before. Needed, certainly. Everyone in my life always seems to need something from me. I give and give, offering whatever I can. I would give until there’s nothing left for myself.

But Teddy doesn’t need anything from me. He has a career and a life, a strong family of support, good friends. He could walk away and be fine. I never have to worry that he’ll find what he needs. He’s here because he wants to be here. He faced down the press with me, stood up to his family for me. He’s embraced Karolina, treating her like his own child, loving her as she deserves to be loved.

All for want of me.

His expression is wary as he takes me in. “Henrik? Fuck, say something. I said too much, didn’t I?” He groans, sitting back. “I shouldn’t have said anything. Can we sort of, just, rewind?” He gestures with his fingers like he’s spinning back the tape. “Let’s just order the cheesecakes. Nov said we should try them.” He cranes his neck, looking around. “Do you see our waiter?”

“But we are at this table.”

He lowers his hand from gesturing for the waiter. “What?”

“We’re at this table,” I repeat. “There’s no going backwards.”

He opens his mouth to speak just as the waiter appears.

“Hey there! How are we doin’ over here? Oooh, looks like we’re still working on those mains. Can I get either of you a refresh on your drinks?”

“We need a minute,” says Teddy, his gaze locked on me.

“But you called me over—”

“My guy?” Teddy cries. “We need a fucking minute. Please and thank you.”

The waiter disappears, and I can’t help but smile.

He groans, dragging a hand over his face. “Fuck, that was so rude.”

“I’ll tip him generously,” I reply, still smiling.

Teddy doesn’t smile. “You were saying?”

“We can’t go backwards,” I repeat. “Whatever hand of fate led us here, we are here. We’re in this moment. We’re married, sharing custody of a child … and you’re in love with me. If it’s all the same to you, I’d like to see if I could learn to love you too.”

Slowly, he shakes his head. “What if you can’t? Henrik, I won’t survive it …”

I take some cash out of my wallet and toss it on the table. It’s more than enough to cover the meal. “I’m not too worried. If anything, I think I’m excited.”

He watches as I rise from the table. “What are you doing?”

I offer out my hand. “Come with me.”

He places his hand in mine, and I draw him up from his chair. Lacing our fingers together, I weave out of the dining room, past the photographer sitting at the end of the bar. The man scrambles, digging in his wallet to pay his bill so he can follow us out of the restaurant.

Once we step outside, the ocean air fills my senses. The sun has set beyond the dunes, leaving a hazy blue twilight out on the beach. The waves crash into the white sand as a pod of pelicans goes drifting silently past. I cut right, leading us away from the valet stand.

Teddy follows behind. “Where are we going?”

I walk him over to the rickety stairs that lead down to the beach.

“Hen, these shoes are Italian leather. And not mine.”

Smiling, I kick off my own shoes, leaving them by the stairs. Dropping his hand, I bend down and tug my socks off, stuffing them in my pocket. Righting myself, I extend out my hand again. “Live a little.”

Rolling his eyes, he kicks off his shoes, cuffing the hem of his pants that are an inch too long. Then he places his hand back in mine, and I lead the way down the stairs. The wood is rough, but the beach is cool. My feet sink, sand pouring between my toes.

“Our shadow is following us,” he says at my shoulder.

“Ignore him. He doesn’t matter.” I don’t stop walking until we reach the water’s edge. Bits of shell and other detritus litter the surf, dusted with frothy sea foam.

Teddy groans. “If I get this suit wet, Novy’s gonna make me get it professionally dry-cleaned—” He gasps as I turn and reel him in. Our chests brush, feet sinking in the sand, as I sling my arm around his shoulders, keeping hold of his left hand. “What are you doing?”

“I’ll buy Novy ten suits,” I say in his ear. “One in every color. Just shut up and dance with me.”

He goes stiff for a moment. Then he relaxes, his hand going to my waist. We shift in the sand, doing an awkward half turn. “Hen, there’s no music.”

I break us apart long enough to pull my phone from my pocket and tap the first song on my “Teddy” playlist. I turn the volume all the way up so we can hear it over the surf. Then I pull him back to me, my arm around his shoulders.

The music filters out and he relaxes, resting his forehead to mine. “I love this song.”

“I know.”

He leans away, searching my face. “How?”

“You listen to it all the time in the bathtub.”

“Should I be flattered that you researched the artist? Or worried that you guard the door while I bathe?”

I shrug, surprising him as I spin him out and pull him back in. “You sit in there so long, I have to check that you’re still alive.”

He laughs as an ocean breeze blows a few of his locs loose. “It’s called self-care.”

I tuck the locs behind his ear, fingertips brushing down the column of his neck. His eyes go wide, unsure of what to make of my touch. “I know you’re scared. You have every reason to doubt me, to want to protect your heart. I’m asking you to give me a chance.”

Before he can reply, I spin him out again, letting him turn back into my arms.

“We’ll take it slow,” I go on. “You can say no at any time to anything. And I’ll try to be clear if I think I’m ready for more.”

Finally, he nods, letting out a breath. “Okay.”

Okay.noveldrama

A weight lifts off my chest as the word sinks deep. He’s willing to let me try. He’s willing to let me see where this can lead. Erick Baker’s “Unbroken Promise” filters out from my pocket, as Teddy and I slow dance in the sand. I don’t care that a photographer is taking pictures of us. I don’t care that everyone else thinks we’re crazy. No one can tell me this is a lie. Standing here, holding him, feeling him in my arms? Nothing about Teddy O’Connor is a lie. Even when he can’t say what he means, he shows you in action. All you have to do is pay attention.

Teddy is the truth I never saw coming. The truth that I could want more from life, deserve more. But I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to open myself to another in this way. I don’t know how to want someone. Christ knows I don’t know how to be wanted.

I’m just going to follow Teddy’s lead. I’m going to act on instinct. And my every instinct is telling me that, in this moment, what I want is to dance with my husband on the beach.